It was early in the morning and everyone was asleep. As I lay in bed, I could hear the steady breathing of my husband as he slept peacefully next to me, unaware that I had been awake all night. The sound of the ceiling fan was almost mesmerizing, with its gentle purring, as it kept us cool. My pillow was wet from the tears that had been falling from my eyes for the past few hours. As I cried, silently, I wondered to myself, “What’s wrong with me?”
I had a flourishing business, a wonderful family, and a beautiful home. “Why was I so unhappy?” The question had plagued my thoughts for months. I had struggled to understand why, when everything seemed so perfect, I was so unhappy.
Our minds are powerful tools and mine had been working on “overdrive” for a long time. I could feel a “crash” coming on and was unsure of what that meant, and I was not sure I wanted to wait to find out. I knew I had to do something. What that was, I did not know. Or…maybe I did.
Fear vs. Faith. Which option do we choose? Life is a constant series of choices. Sometimes, we make choices based upon our fears, and other times we make them based upon our faith. The result of our choices can impact our lives for years to come, depending on which path we choose.
I asked my mom once, if she were to give me one word that described me, what would it be. She thought for a moment, and then said, “Survivor”. I was surprised by her word choice, but as I let it sink in I thought, “She’s right”. I have endured many trials in my life, some more difficult than others. I am not unique. We all have our own set of trials to go through in this journey we call Life. We are all survivors in a way.
As I lay in bed, my pillow wet with tears, I realized something that had not occurred to me before. I had built a wall around my heart. Some of the trials I had endured in my life, prior to meeting my husband, had caused a great deal of pain for me. I had learned to be tough, not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. I had learned a long time ago to protect my heart.
I was a fighter and a survivor, and I had worked hard to help provide a happy home for my family. Inside, however, I was falling apart. I knew I had to make changes, preferably sooner, rather than later. I finally gained the courage to REALLY open up and discuss what was in my heart, and on my mind, with my husband. It was not an easy thing for me. What followed was a miraculous journey of healing.
My husband had always been there, willing to listen when I needed it. That was not the problem. The problem was that I had been unwilling to open my heart 100% and REALLY tell him what was going on in my heart and my mind. It was as if someone had finally opened the floodgates. I’m not sure he was fully prepared for all that ensued, but he was extremely patient and kind as we figured things out together.
The years that have followed since have been truly amazing. I have learned to love deeper than ever before. I have learned to truly open my heart and ALLOW myself to be loved 100%. I have learned to laugh harder and more often. I have taken the time to nourish all of my relationships, not just with family, but with friends as well.
What I have discovered is this: You must learn to open your heart and not only LOVE, but also allow yourself to BE LOVED. You must look for the joy in life and seek for opportunities to LAUGH. Laugh hard, and laugh often. Finally, you must seek to develop friendships with others. Take the time to nourish those friendships and really invest your time and energy into them. You will be rewarded greatly for your efforts, and you will find more happiness and joy than you ever thought possible.
Remember, YOU are in charge of your life. Start with yourself. Figure it out. Stop blaming others for how you feel. We can all improve. Begin today. Begin with YOU.
Living a healthy life includes all aspects of your life, not just exercise and proper eating. It involves digging deeper, sometimes much deeper. You must first understand and accept yourself. That includes being honest, REALLY honest with yourself. When faced with a choice, ask this question, “Am I acting out of fear, or faith?” Then choose wisely the course you will take.
Sometimes, we are faced with trials that have nothing to do with our choices. They may have to do with another’s choice, or for some unexplained purpose. What we CAN do, is choose HOW to deal with that trial. THAT CHOICE is always ours. How will you choose? What will you do?